By the time I post this I will be over the halfway hump. October is going by super-crazy-fast and I am so happy that decided to participate in the ODP. There’s only been about 3-4 days that I haven’t worn The Dress for at least part of the day and all but one of those days were spent in my jammies cuddled up with a heating pad. (Boo!) A few of my friends view it as their personal entertainment and question me about my look everyday to make sure The Dress is still there. So here’s another list of things I have learned thus far:
1. I have WAY too many clothes. I have only repeated one or two looks in almost 3 weeks. I think it’s time to downsize my wardrobe. Also, why do I have so many pieces of clothing that I don’t like and/or are unattractive? Less clothing means less money and less laundry. It’s a win win! Part of the ODP is to become aware of consumerism in your life and I have realized that I’m buying into the consumer worldview. It pains me to admit that I have bought 2 or 3 pieces to go with my dress this month, but I’ve bought things that I love and that I can use in multiple ways. However, it speaks to my shopper mindset that my first reaction is buy new things and not try to shop my closet. This is something I definitely want to work on.
2. Sneaking creativity into the daily grind brings me great joy. So often I feel like my days are just a giant to-do list and I come home to sleep and then begin again. It’s a small thing, but putting together a new outfit each day has given me something creative to do. Before Piper was born I prided myself on being able to pull together inventive outfits with the things I had in my closet. Somewhere along the way, I stopped taking the time to do this. It’s been fun to get back in the groove.
3. I’m making peace with my body. For about 75% of my life, I’ve hated my body. This is something that I still struggle with and hope to overcome eventually… but the going is slow and often painful. Seeing other women post their not-perfect ODP pictures has been encouraging to me and I’ve been enjoying the positive feedback I’ve gotten on social media and in person. Many times I feel there is a disconnect between my brain and my body. Subconsciously I think , “Brain is good, body is bad.” Choosing to focus on the parts of my body that I do like has been helping. Also, I’ve decided that I don’t need to wait until I am thinner or tanner or taller or younger to have fun with my appearance. I keep repeating to myself “Perfection is the enemy of good.”
4. How I feel (and therefore act) towards my body affects Piper. For better or worse, our daughter’s body images can be shaped at home. As the self-appointed queen of girliness, Piper often focuses on how pretty she looks and what other girls are wearing. I want to be an example to her and I’ve made it my goal for her to never hear me say anything negative about my body or criticize anyone else’s bodies.
I’m enjoying the project so much and I am surprised how quickly the time has gone by. I’m gearing up to get in some more creative outfits before the month is done and I’m thinking about a project for next month. Any suggestions?
My ODP has been going well. I skipped a few days when I was working outside and when I was doing a service project at Friendly Chapel, so I worn the dress about 9 days total. My only issue I’ve run in to that since my dress is black and has a flared skirt, it looks a bit formal at times. I’m planning on trying to tuck it into jeans tomorrow for casual Friday, so maybe that will give me some new options. Even though I’m only on day 9, I’ve had lots of opportunities for self-reflection and evaluation. Here’s a few things that I’ve discovered.
1. It’s fun to break out of my (non)fashion rut. Outfits that seemed a little out of my comfort zone got lot lots of compliments and I found I enjoyed mixing it up a bit. After the first couple of days when I felt self conscious, I’ve really enjoyed wearing fun things and feeling put together at work.
2. No one notices that I am wearing the same thing. I’m going to get rid of some clothes that I don’t really like and repeat my outfits that I do like more often.
3. Being plus-sized doesn’t mean you have to be matronly or unattractive. Instead of waiting until I lose weight to wear fun clothes, I am doing it now and loving it. In fact showing a bit of leg and wearing simpler pieces that flatter parts of my body that I like has made me feel more attractive and confident.
4. It’s worth spending a small amount of time to look good. I feel like since I had Piper (5 years ago!), I’ve felt like everything else is more important than me. I don’t think I will ever go back to spending two hours getting primping like I did when I was a teenager, but if I take the time to pull an outfit together or throw on a few accessories I feel better all day.
Feeling kinda ugly and depressed today, I decided I my bathroom selfies weren’t doing me any favors. I planned to put on some make up and fix my hair and maybe add some accessories before taking my dress picture tonight. After all, I might have gone to work looking unattractive, but I didn’t want the whole internet to see me looking that way! But then I had a wonderful conversation about beauty, make-up, and how society sees women with my sister-in-law (and friend!), Julie. We talked about how we feel less than perfect without make-up and the unrealistic standard of beauty that is worshiped in our society. We talked about feeling so self-conscious when we were teenagers that we wouldn’t even go to the corner gas station without a hair and makeup session before hand. I’m glad I’m not like that anymore and I don’t want to ever feel like I am less than because of my physical appearance.
So my pictures today are what I really looked like after work. I straightened my clothes a bit and fluffed up my hair with my hands, but nothing else. I didn’t even edit the pictures. Hello, world! Judge me for being overweight, unfashionable, pale, or whatever you will. But my worth doesn’t lay in my looks or anything you can see with your eyes. My identity comes from He who is greater and who lives in me. It comes from my kind heart and my take charge attitude. It comes from 31 years of living, loving, and learning.
Have you heard of the October Dress Project? I’m very intrigued by the idea and I am going to try to participate this year. I had originally decided not to do it because I didn’t want to take pictures of myself looking ugly all the time and I don’t have enough time to look pretty. But I’ve decided that I want to just document my life as is. My life is not very glamorous, but it’s my life and being “real” is more important to me than trying to conform to someone else’s beauty standards.
Nope; I don’t wear make up everyday and I don’t wash my hair everyday. As long as I am covered and work appropriate no one needs to judge me on how “good” or “bad” I look.
I owe it to myself to love my body and to be thankful for it and all the amazing things it does.
So here’s to the October Dress Project- today’s feature includes a bloated belly courtesy of Aunt Flo and a big lunch. I found a strip of leg hair that I my razor missed and I didn’t want to smash myself into control top panties, so my butt is lumpy.
But I also included a picture of my red toenails in my black patent and gold sandals that I love. And I have to say that my cat eye glasses and watercolor print scarf definitely up the hipster-factor today. I’m looking forward to this experiment and learning to love my body and my LBD.
What is it about being a working mom that makes you feel so tired all the time? Perhaps its because raising a kid demands physical and mental strength 24 hours a day. Not to mention the fact that you are shaping another person’s life and character and you really can’t afford to slack off when doing something so important. In addition to the “real” job that demands 40 hour weeks plus a 45 minute commute! I am so tired I can’t even think straight, let alone try to keep my life in some sort of order. Lately my brain is so fried, that instead of thinking, “I could fall asleep right here” I just wonder if anyone has had “pure exhaustion” written on their death certificate.
But I am pressing on. I am trying to live purposefully and to take time to be in the moment. Both of those sound like meaningless catchphrases, so let’s boil them down. To me, a good life is one where I am productive and peaceful and my little Pipe is nurtured and fulfilled. My husband feels respected and appreciated and there is a general atmosphere of love. It’s not as poetic but it’s equally true that we need to have clean socks, know where the car keys are, and have at least one roll of toilet paper in the house. I realize that not everyday will be perfect and that some tasks in life just have to be checked off the list. Grocery shopping, poopy diapers, cleaning the bathtub, etc- you have to take care of life in order to have time for the good stuff. But I want to make more time for the good stuff, not just count the hours until bedtime or try to escape by reading all day while Piper zones out in front of PBS Kids.
I love what John 10:10 says; Jesus came that we may have life and have it more abundantly. (my paraphrase and italics) I don’t want to just make it, I need to do more than just survive. I want to have life and live abundantly. I want Piper to remember her childhood as a time of love, laughter, and discovery. A time of magical time of curiosity, unexpected joys, and quick comfort from inevitable heart breaks. I know my house isn’t the cleanest, I know I am not a perfect mom or wife, I will never be the world’s best employee, but if I can create a chaos-free, love-filled environment for my family I will be satisfied.
I am learning that perfectionism can be the enemy of wholeness and happiness. A few months ago, someone told me that I was a true perfectionist. I looked at her disbelievingly and said, “I am not a perfectionist. NOTHING I do is ever perfect.” Her shocking response? “Exactly.” I was hit by a mental thunderbolt! Textbook perfectionism. Can you believe it took me this long to realize this about myself?
Here’s the nitty gritty that is resonating with me lately; when I don’t behave perfectly or I fall short of my own unrealistically high expectations, I am full of remorse, guilt, shame, and anger. And since I can never be perfect – because I am human- I am full of these terrible and self-defeating feelings all the time. Talk about a vicious cycle!
How to break out of this loop? By living my real life, but not getting dragged down in the mundane mediocrity of everyday tasks. By being aware of what’s happening when it is happening and adjusting my expectations. To keep the cycle broken, I must stay connected to the Lord and tap into His power rather than my own. It’s a work in progress as I daily struggle with my stubborn flesh. My well of love, peace, and patience gets drained in the first half hour I am awake. But if I tap into the aquifer that is the Holy Spirit, I have enough to fill my cup and my family’s until they spill over.
I struggle with wanting to be perfect and to record my life with Piper in a beautiful and meaningful way. Consequently, much of the time I don’t do anything because I can’t do it all perfectly. I read a silly quote today – it was actually referring to veganisim- but it works for me on many levels. “Don’t do nothing because you can’t do everything. Do something. Anything!” This rings true for me (and also it sounds rather Dr. Suess-like. Bonus!)
So here we are. I am not doing a perfect blog post. I am not living a perfect life. I am certainly not a perfect mom. But I am trying to do something. I’m loving on Piper, I’m striving to meet my deadlines at work. I am biting off small bites of projects and being satisfied when I can mark anything off my “want to do” list. I’m listening to Micah and editing his papers. A few things are getting done. Anything is better than nothing.
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