* This post was originally written on June 27, 2010. *
I have been on an anti-depressant since college. Finally, I was able to admit that the depression was taking over; more than I could handle on my own. The medicine they put me on really made things seem level. So, I was missing out on the super highs, but also not dealing with the super lows. Comfortably numb and a little flat. Turns out that’s not so great, but recently, I have found myself wishing for that pleasant numbness to return.
Lately, my chest has been tight with churning raw emotions. I feel so full of bad feelings, all swirling together creating a kind of sadness-fear-dread-panic-guilt mix that makes my heart pound and my guts clench. My mind is twirling the situation over and over. What can I do, how can I make this stop? Do you ever feel like life if just to much muchness?
A few weeks ago when we got rid of our dog, Gracie, I felt this way. I was sobbing the whole car ride and couldn’t have felt worse if we were taking her to the slaughterhouse. In reality, she has a great new home with a friendly sibling-dog and loving owner. But at the time I felt so overwhelmed but the burning, aching, tear of sadness that it almost overcame me. If my soul could speak she would be screaming, “Ow…Ow…OWWWW!”
Sometimes life just seems too hard, too much to deal with, more than I can handle, more than I want to handle. When I feel this way it’s like I’m ready to cry, “Uncle!” “Stop these bad feelings, stop the pain, stop the depression, stop, stop, stop!” I contemplate running away or sleeping for weeks on end. Both seem inviting. Anything to escape, anything to not have to deal with all this crap.
Here’s the deal- giving away your dog is sad, but it shouldn’t bring you to the brink of insanity. However, I feel like I am just barely holding everything together, if one tiny thing happens all the pieces of me tumble to the ground and shatter. I am working so hard, every minute of the day, keeping things together. It’s exhausting.
So! So? I don’t know. I don’t know where to go from here, I don’t know how to stop this cycle. I am just hanging on for the ride and the ride is becoming my life and my daughter’s first year. It really sucks.